from
Carla’s Blog
– Monday, June 12, 2006
It began in Sant, a very poor village about 100 kilometers away from Darkhan. I had never seen poverty like this. Not even on TV. It’s different when you are actually there. Gary, Janna, and I delivered food to five families. Each of them had very different but very emotional responses. Two of them cried the whole time we were there. Two of them smiled and told us they would never forget this day. One was bedridden but insisted on sitting up when we offered to pray for him. They all thanked us over and over for bringing this food.
I cannot accept this thanks, I thought. It’s not my food to give. I didn’t pay for it. It cost me nothing to bring it. I was overcome with unworthiness. I can’t accept it. Yet I couldn’t tell them that – even with a translator – so I said, “You’re welcome.”
But I couldn’t get over my feelings. All night long, it bothered me that I accepted their thanks. All night long I wondered how long that bag of soup would last. How many muffins would their mix make? And how many servings of beans were in that can? Did they even own a can-opener? Would someone else come and give them more food before it ran out? Would they be worthy to receive thanks?
It was then, in my most broken-hearted state, that God was able to teach me. “It is OK to feel like this. Actually this is exactly how you should feel everyday that you carry My Name around. You are completely unworthy. It cost you nothing to become my child. Yet it cost Me everything.”
Unworthy – that is me. Unworthy to receive thanks. Unworthy to be called a Christian. Unworthy to have been born into a two-parent family. Unworthy to have all of my needs met every day of my life. Unworthy to have been born in America. Unworthy.
Before Mongolia, I was proud. Now, I realize I was never worthy to begin with. Now I am just grateful. Overwhelmingly grateful. And I cannot forget how I learned this. And I cannot forget the people of Mongolia. I cannot forget that they still don’t have all of their needs met – and that God can use me, unworthy as I am, to make a difference in their lives.
