Filling the Hole
So, I’ve got this hole in me; I’m not sure where. It might be in my head (no comments from the Peanut Gallery, please), it might be in my heart, but I’m starting to suspect that the hole is in my life.
Whenever I’m stressed or depressed, I try to relax from my stress or pull myself out of depression. All I have to do is:
- Buy something, preferably something expensive
- Watch a movie
- Read a book
- Eat
- Sleep
- Anything but think about what is bothering me
The problem with this incomplete list is that it never works. EVERY TIME I do these things to pull myself up/out of whatever funk I’m in, I emerge unsatisfied. It is important to note that I do emerge, but it is not ever as a result of the above list. It’s always because something changes; my circumstances change, my attitude changes. What usually happens is that I get so sick and tired of sitting around whining and trying to hide that I just stop. Yes, it really is that simple sometimes, but not always…The funny thing about all this, is that I’m trying to avoid using the phrase “God-shaped hole.”
Anyway, last week, I was in one of these moods. I wasn’t depressed or really even particularly stressed, I was just walking around unsatisfied – does that make sense? Nothing was really going right, but nothing was going terribly wrong either. So, I did something I don’t think I’ve ever done before; I stopped my quest for satisfaction and asked God to fill me. I’m sitting here trying to think of some cool, deep way to say that, but really, that’s exactly what I did; nothing else. No hyperbole required. I’m not talking about a “Holy Spirit” kind of filling, I’m talking about God filling me up and being all that I need.
There is this tremendous quest in my life for satisfaction and meaning. It drives my every breath, thought, action, and step. This is not necessarily a good thing. Because of this attitude in my life, it is difficult for me to work behind the scenes; to not be the guy holding the microphone. However, it would seem that this is where I’m supposed to be right now; seated at my computer, writing code… Actually, God has made it clear to me that this is what I am to do right now.
With that said, there is almost nothing that makes me feel more alive and “where I’m supposed to be” than leading or going on a mission trip, leading a Sunday School class, or teaching a Bible lesson (see the picture above where I’m doing two out of three). Therefore it is difficult for me to find meaning and satisfaction in the supposed mundane tasks that I must accomplish in my everyday job.
Do you see the problem? Because I seek satisfaction in my actions, no matter how benign or altruistic, I do not get the fulfillment I so desperately desire. Even in my service to God, I am thwarted because I am focusing on the task I am performing, not on God.
