I’ve been going through a dry spell.
I feel like God is not near.
I
said this to someone when he asked if there was anything he could pray
for. His first response to me was, ‘Are you in the Word?’ I had to say
no.
I’ve been reading the Bible just for the heck of it. I pick
up my small Bible and read Matthew. I was inspired to do this by Donald
Miller, the guy who wrote ‘Blue Like Jazz.’ I’m sure it’s a good idea and all, but I haven’t spent any time studying God’s word for three to four months.
So,
of the last two mornings, I spent one of them actually studying. I’d
love to say that everything is peachy, but of course it doesn’t work
that way. I do, however, feel like this is what I’m missing.
My wife and I led a mission trip to Mississippi at the beginning of July and I went with all the authority I could muster. AIM
does a good job, I think, of letting project leaders know that they
have been given spiritual authority over the trip. Throughout the
entire trip, even after seeing God work and do cool stuff, I still felt
like I wasn’t right. I don’t mean this in the sense of “I’m right and
you’re wrong,’ I mean this in the sense that nothing felt right. There
were a few times when I felt like I was solidly in his will, but, for
the most part, I felt like I was on the outside, sort of hanging around
for scraps from the table of his grace.
I do not blame God for
this in any way. I’m the one who moved. He is the same, yesterday,
today, and forever. His will and direction are constant.
Drew,
the speaker at my local Bible Study Fellowship (BSF), said, ‘There is a
difference between being in God’s grace and God’s approval.’ I have
felt, maybe since I heard him say that, that I am living in God’s
grace, not in his approval. Right now, God is being patient and
longsuffering
with me – this is what I think anyway. I am living only for myself. My focus and desires are only for me.
It’s
kind of like exercise: I think about it, imagine what it would be like
to do all the workouts and exercises that I should do, I imagine eating
properly but I never do it. I see myself falling down in my closet and
asking God to forgive me for my sloth, arrogance, shortsightedness, and
desire to go my own way. But I never do it.
I want to know what
God wants me to do. I want to do what God wants me to do. I do not want
to have a will of my own. I only want to follow him – to be part of
whatever he is doing.
