Seth Barnes, Founder and CEO of Adventures In Missions, posted a blog this week called “A dad’s role with his daughter’s suitors.” A most excellent article (Yes, he’s my boss. Read it for yourself to see if you agree.).
I’m writing this entry in response to a request for advice, tips, books, recommendations, or anecdotes. I was going to just make another comment on his blog, but it got too long…
For Jody:
Unfortunately, I haven’t found a single good book on this subject (this doesn’t mean they don’t exist, I just haven’t found them).
Much of what I’ve done and am planning to do has been formed by conversations with women I have know (“I wish my father had…” kinds of talks), reading Tender Warrior, my interpretation of my role as a father, my experiences as an actual male, and some anecdotes from Randy Alcorn and Gary Smalley (really).
Conversations
I’ve had some conversations with a woman who said, “I can’t believe he [her father] just gave me to him [her date].” That’s how she felt. Like she was just being handed over to some guy that her father didn’t even know. This boiled down to her not feeling protected by the one person who was supposed to protect her. She said that she would have given anything to be protected from being in this situation when she was young.
In addition to this, there were some important things she didn’t know: don’t dress immodestly in front of a male – even if he’s family, careful with the hugs, and guys don’t care what your underwear looks like.
Tender Warrior/My Role
I discovered this book at a time in my life when I was trying very hard to figure out how a man was supposed to act. I wish I could say that I found it in my early 20’s, but, in reality, I was about 35. Ready to quit, I was in the church library and saw
Tender Warrior (by Stu Weber) sitting on top of a bookshelf. God used this book to make tremendous changes in my life. I recommend it for anyone who wants to know what God expects of a man.
Weber talks about the four roles every man is made for: King, Warrior, Mentor, and Friend. I have done all of these things for my daughters, but, in the issue of dating, King and Warrior win out. Tori and Kaylie have been placed in this family by God himself and, therefore, I have the responsibility of protecting them from everything I can.
My experiences as an actual male
When I was in high school and college, no one ever told me that I was responsible for making sure my sister(s) remained pure. I didn’t know how to act, as a man, on a date because no one taught me. In the interest of clarification, I really had been taught, by countless books, movies, and TV shows, how to act on a date. Thankfully, it fit right in with what I thought I wanted…to have sex!
Carla and I attended marriage counseling with Joe McKinney in 1990 and he told us that I was supposed to be the one who said ‘no.’ (He called it ‘being the policeman.’) What a radical idea and what an awesome responsibility. I had to say ‘no’ to my desires to protect Carla instead of her having to constantly say ‘no,’ holding me at bay.
I’d love to say that I was always successful, but I wasn’t. Sometimes, I took advantage of the responsibility given to me. Believe it or not, there are still consequences of my failures, seventeen years later. But Joe started me on the path towards taking responsibility for the role that God had given me.
Anecdotes
Two powerful stories come to mind.
From Gary Smalley (ok, it might be James Dobson – one of those guys…): He spoke of being at the house of some friends. The wife was frantically cleaning up her son’s room, because Smalley/Dobson was there, and apologizing the whole time. Smalley/Dobson said, “Don’t worry about me, I’m just standing here feeling sorry for his (the son’s) wife.” The woman stopped and stared at Smalley/Dobson as he stared back, letting it soak in (the son was too young to be married).
From this story, I realized that everything my wife and I do as parents will affect how my daughters act when they are married. The way they are treated by me is the way they will expect to be treated by their husband (yes, I know the whole “Kids see God the way they see Dad thing.” That’s another blog entry.). The way I treat my wife will influence how they expect to be treated. The way she treats me will shape the way they treat their husband.
From Randy Alcorn: He told about a discussion he had with a friend. His friend’s son was complaining and said to his dad, “Don’t you trust me?” His father said, “Trust you? Alone in a car with a 16 year old girl? I don’t even trust myself in that situation, why should I trust you?”
Why in the world would I allow my daughter to be in a situation that I don’t even trust myself in; alone with a member of the opposite sex? People, it doesn’t make any sense. That guy my daughter is alone with (if I were to allow it and I won’t – ever) is NOT HER HUSBAND!! I don’t even care if he’s going to be her husband; if he’s not already her husband, it’s not going to happen.
We’re setting our kids up for failure. If we can’t handle it, why do we think they should be able to? What I’m doing is helping my daughters stay pure and affair-proofing their marriages BEFORE the wedding.
The irony is that many people accuse me of shielding my girls from the world. Of course I am! It’s my job. This doesn’t mean that they don’t learn about the world, just that they learn about it from their mother and me. We give them as much information as we think they can handle and we don’t expect the schools, kids on the playground, or TV to do it for us. In fact, we probably give them more information than many kids their age get. For example, I tell them to dress modestly and I tell them why: to protect themselves, to protect their spiritual brothers/friends, to protect ME.
I’ve told them since they were old enough to understand that they would not date and I told them why; they should only be alone with their husband. Seriously folks, why should some boy just ‘try them out?’ She’s not a car or a horse, she’s a human being. Both of my girls are beautiful, smart, and talented…people.
