That's a good thing right? After all, you've never heard of a man being shot by his wife while he was doing the dishes...
Anyway, as I was finishing, I remember thinking "Carla had better appreciate this." No sooner had the thought echoed through my brain than God asked me, "Have you ever done anything without want of reward?"
I started to try and answer the question. Of course I wanted to say "Yes, I've done lots of things without want of reward." But I couldn't. Believe it or not, I could not think of one thing I had done in my entire life that I had done without weighing the relative costs and rewards associated with it. In other words, "What's in it for me?"
This did NOT fit with the image I had of myself. I love my wife and want to do things for her, just like I love God and want to do things for him. I wanted to be a full-time missionary and live overseas. I wanted to serve God with my life.
I'm sorry if it sounds silly, but I was so stunned by the shaking of this pillar in my foundation that I had to sit down. I spent about an hour going over my life and talking with God. He gently showed me the real Markie. The one I didn't like and definitely didn't want to spend any time with.
It happened again this last weekend. Carla was talking about something I did NOT want to talk about - I'm sure it had something to do with money. What she was talking about HURT and I wanted nothing more than to be somewhere else where I wasn't faced with this unflattering picture of myself. As quickly as I could, I managed to find an excuse to go back out to the garage and keep working on the garage door opener. When I got to the garage, I remember thinking, "Why do I always run from pain? God doesn't run from pain. Some pain is actually good. Why do I always run away if I know that God is doing it for my own good?" (I'm referring to the pain of discipline). So, I walked back to Carla and said, "I'm sorry that I always run away from pain. I know this needs to be fixed. I'm sorry I'm like that."
Carla said "I love you. That's the real you and I love the real you, not the one you always want people to see." Wow, what do you say to that?
I want to be the real me. The person that God created me to be, not the one that I show the rest of the world. Most of all, I want to welcome the Lord's discipline, no matter how much it hurts.
I heard something in church today that reminded my of your post here. What stood out was the quote : "Dead men can't wrestle". Today's study was in Galatians, specifically towards the end where Paul is summarizing his message to the Galatians. Paul mentions walking in the spirit versus lusting in the flesh and this is what reminded me of your post here.
We're all faced with this decision, whether it is actually making a choice to do something or not or, as you mention, deciding which person to be that day. Of course, we all want to make the best choices or be the most likeable person we can be but our minds always interfere with our heart's plans creating a consistent internal struggle. I can remember a time when I didn't consider both sides of this coin and only did what I wanted to do at the time. Now that I've just begun to learn about God's word and have a basic understanding of what is right and wrong I seem to experience a wrestling match in my mind.
"Dead men can't wrestle" is so true because I look back and am so thankful for that struggle to have been there. Sure, I still choose the wrong choice (and often), but that struggle is what keeps me alive and learning how to make the right choices or be the better person.
I know that you and I have pretty similar personalities - you've told me that before and I've thought it before but I don't know if I ever told you. I can especially relate to (and really enjoyed) your comment a few posts ago about being a "sprinter". I totally understand this and often explain it as being a "perfectionist" but this probably isn't the right word because even things I'm proud of don't come out "perfect". Anyway, this struggle that God presents is probably the ONLY thing in the world that I'm comfortable with not being a sprinter.
2Posted by Mark on 2/9/2009 9:55:07 AM
Chadwick,
Thanks for the word.
I love what you said - "...our minds always interfere with our heart's plans..." That's a great picture of the struggle.
mark
PS congrats on the pending arrival. When is she due?
3Posted by Chad on 2/9/2009 10:28:55 AM
Thank you. We're not sure of any due date yet. We just found out a couple of weeks ago and our first doctors appointment is next week. She's probably a month in at this point.
Chad
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We're all faced with this decision, whether it is actually making a choice to do something or not or, as you mention, deciding which person to be that day. Of course, we all want to make the best choices or be the most likeable person we can be but our minds always interfere with our heart's plans creating a consistent internal struggle. I can remember a time when I didn't consider both sides of this coin and only did what I wanted to do at the time. Now that I've just begun to learn about God's word and have a basic understanding of what is right and wrong I seem to experience a wrestling match in my mind.
"Dead men can't wrestle" is so true because I look back and am so thankful for that struggle to have been there. Sure, I still choose the wrong choice (and often), but that struggle is what keeps me alive and learning how to make the right choices or be the better person.
I know that you and I have pretty similar personalities - you've told me that before and I've thought it before but I don't know if I ever told you. I can especially relate to (and really enjoyed) your comment a few posts ago about being a "sprinter". I totally understand this and often explain it as being a "perfectionist" but this probably isn't the right word because even things I'm proud of don't come out "perfect". Anyway, this struggle that God presents is probably the ONLY thing in the world that I'm comfortable with not being a sprinter.
Thanks for the word.
I love what you said - "...our minds always interfere with our heart's plans..." That's a great picture of the struggle.
mark
PS congrats on the pending arrival. When is she due?
Chad
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